a few more cigarettes took me up til 1:30. must try to stop this afternoon.

realised that when i picture pouring away the council house ashtrays we used to use as a kid - a beer can with a little bit left in at the bottom - that this would usually be an accurate representation of what i was putting in my body.

stella + fags probably looks cool.

doesn't feel it in the morning.

i don't think there's much cool about sitting on a tube looking like yr about to puke, but that's one of those things you try to ignore because at the time you're filling your body with as much shit as humanly possible, you focus on the way it looks.

but i guess all 21 yr olds do that.

now it's a few years on, it's all finally starting to make sense what a prick i've been to allow myself to systematically obliterate my own body