rebuild me

it's too easy to give into an urge.

i think the biggest problem i've found today is seeing someone else smoke, then knowing instinctively that i need a cigarette.

which is bollocks.

it's a poor excuse for peer-pressure.

i'm not even being offered, let alone force-fed the bastard things, + yet i still have that thought that i need a cigarette.

to be honest, the cravings generally weren't that bad.

most people would look at my 12 hours + decide that i was weak, but bear in mind i've been piling the fuckers into me for 10 years at 40 a day.

big red marlboros, too.

not entirely sure if that makes a difference at this point.

probably not.

anyway, no more tonight.

the first 24 hours are the hardest, apparently.

a few more cigarettes took me up til 1:30. must try to stop this afternoon.

realised that when i picture pouring away the council house ashtrays we used to use as a kid - a beer can with a little bit left in at the bottom - that this would usually be an accurate representation of what i was putting in my body.

stella + fags probably looks cool.

doesn't feel it in the morning.

i don't think there's much cool about sitting on a tube looking like yr about to puke, but that's one of those things you try to ignore because at the time you're filling your body with as much shit as humanly possible, you focus on the way it looks.

but i guess all 21 yr olds do that.

now it's a few years on, it's all finally starting to make sense what a prick i've been to allow myself to systematically obliterate my own body

had first cigarette in 12 hours. i think it's worth noting here how quickly i went from feeling pretty good for a change to utter shite, in the space of 2 + a half inches of tobacco.

by the second inhalation, i began to feel acid reflux in my oesophagus, + by the end of the cigarette, i felt, + still, 10 minutes late, feel, physically sick.

prior to this, the only withdrawals i'd felt were slight restlessness in my limbs.

i fully intend to stop smoking fully.

i'm not even 25 yet, i'm not supposed to feel this unwell.